A. What you have described on the surface is a classical Saturn problem. Low and behold, Saturn was on your ascendant when you were born in Leo, opposite your Mercury in Aquarius. Oppositions to Saturn resonate a lot with situations of having both a strong inner critic, but also of attracting that from outside sources, whether from others or the world in general.
The ascendant represents your birth experience as well as the traditional social mask you show the world. When Saturn is on the ascendant, it is saying there was some major shutting down at your birth. Normally Leo ascendant individuals have a very strong, extravert, outgoing, passionate personality, or social persona. With Saturn there, it describes some form of difficulties at your actual birth.
Sometimes it represents that the birth has pushed up a lot of issues in your mother’s system to do with her relationships to her father, grandfathers, and to patriarchal masculine energies in general. Whatever the case, there was some heavy-handed energies. When we take our first breath, we make a holographic scan of our environment as this tiny creature emerging anew. We scan the psychic environment that we emerge into and on the basis of that scan we make all sorts of decision about the nature of this life. The Saturn impression here is that life is hard and that you have to defend yourself, protect yourself, shut down your fire.
When Leo is alive it is very, very playful, as well as passionate, juicy and exuberant. It has a tremendous amount of life force. So at your birth it is like you hit a Saturnian brick wall. On the basis of this it would be worthwhile doing some breathwork and what used to be called re-birthing, or primal therapy. These techniques allow you to go back to your birth experience and crack open the dynamics and stored emotional energy beneath. What I have described about Saturn on the ascendant is the shadow side of it, but ultimately Saturn on the ascendant represents an individual who eventually becomes an authority in their own life, irrespective of what others think of them. So you are clearly on your way which is fantastic news.
The deeper threads of this need rooting out with therapies like these two in particular. It also means that at your birth you absorbed a lot of negative patriarchal energy. Sometimes, it has to do with dad not only not being there, but also not being available emotionally or psychically. There is often some form of rejection here that comes through the father or general masculine energy. The child interprets that at a rudimentary level as a rejection of self, of the very essence of one’s individual fire. So there is a lot of shielding and defensiveness that happens around here. These particular therapies too are great because they are very dynamic and expressive. This allows you to access your natural fire energy that is here. This in itself can help explode this Saturnian rigidity around the persona you take into the world.
When astrology talks about fun, you immediately go to the fifth house in the chart which is the house of inner and outer children, of creativity and self-expression. It is ideally a house where the child in us is allowed to be fully who they are. Now Sagittarius is on the cusp of your empty fifth house. The ruler of Sagittarius, Jupiter, has a lot of influence on how well this part of chart and this part of your life is operating. Jupiter is super strong in its position on the Midheaven in Taurus, but one which has a very deep and dark shadow attached to it.
When you were born, Jupiter was born conjunct the Black Moon directly overhead. Now my suspicion here is that the Black Moon, which as its name implies, on the one level talks about very dark, toxic and sabotaging energies that have been absorbed from the family system. The feeling I have is that the Black Moon has overpowered the natural joy, the expansiveness and graciousness of this normally strong Jupiter position. Some see the Black Moon as the third stage in the Lilith myth. I see her, like some other astrologers, as the nearest astrological representative that we have to the dark faces of the Great Mother, whether they are Kali, Durga, Black Madonna, and Black Tara in different cultures.
On a deeper level than the Saturnian energies, this position often represents profoundly unhealed and often deeply enraged energies carried down generations through the family system, particularly but not exclusively along the feminine lines. This is stems from the deep primal, lower chakras and is psychologically very, very powerful and also karmically strong territory. It takes a lot of very deep penetrating inner work to be able to progressively unravel it over time.
As a Piscean you were born with enormous psychic and spiritual sensitivity which allowed that your capacity for joy, playfulness and personal freedom on every level to be heavily swamped by this darker territory.
This is similarly represented by you also having Aries Moon conjunct Chiron. Both the Pisces and Chiron energies represent the absorption of a lot of pain, trauma and unhealed energies. This pain is an early expression of the natural healer within you. As a little one, your psychic environment was swamped by some very, very toxic and very, very frightening energy. As a child this would have given you nightmares, irrational fears and accentuated the hyper defensiveness that Saturn already exhibits.
Now, it is important to acknowledge though, that as deep as this territory is, you can work with it, are able to heal it and transform it. Coincidentally, one necessary aspect of participating in that transformation is undertaking the same forms of therapy, as part of your healing process is releasing a lot of dark emotional energy that you absorb psychically. We are not just talking about anger and rage, but about pain, trauma, un-grieved losses, unbelievable levels of sadness which can become depression, despair and even suicidal tendencies in some individuals. Any deep form of emotional release work will have tremendous benefits, however challenging that work is for the average individual. Clearly you are not an average individual (even if there is such a thing).
If we flipped this around though, Jupiter conjunct the Black Moon represents an ultimate soul purpose in this lifetime of manifesting professionally (as well as individually) a fully empowered, embodiment of the sacred feminine. So this is not only about transforming your personal garbage heap, but also about drilling down to the core power within you.
Sally Kempton’s book ‘Awakening Shakti’ is a good way to gain an understanding of what is underneath the distortions that I have described about the Black Moon in her distorted form. Look particularly at how she describes Kali and Durga. This will give you a profound understanding of what is underneath the distorted version of this great mother energy. Healed Black Moon, Kali, Black Madonna (whatever form she takes) awakens the greatest powers within, who are not just transformative, but enormously liberating and profoundly erotic in a tantric sense.
This is particularly so in Taurus which represents a very juicy, deep, earthy sexuality. Also contained within is some profound passion for living one’s truth, one’s authentic self and expressing that in the world. In this way you embody and are a voice for the great mother in all her forms. So your question is intimating the fact that you are starting to access this place and, there is so much more!
Alongside the therapeutic work there is also subtler work you can be doing as well. Any psycho-spiritual form of therapy that will move psychic/emotional toxins will be very helpful here. You do need to do the primal work – you need to rage and go down on the floor like a wounded animal, howl and really gouge out what is in the deepest recesses within. At the same time there are much subtler processes - anything that will release psychic/emotional toxins is helpful.
Now, be aware that this energy frightened the life out of you as a little one and will be scary for your inner child. Inner child techniques which help you to keep reassuring her, holding her hand so she doesn’t freak out and shut down as you step towards (what appears to be) very frightening territory for her.
The fourth dimension in this healing process is reclaiming the sacred feminine energy within. Sally Kempton’s book contains mantras, chants and invocations, spiritual technology to help you understand and claim more of the beauty of your Black Moon. What a gift it is to have such a powerful place! As the Black Moon releases, joy is very close and as we go deeper into this archetype we are joyful in understanding the rightfulness of every aspect of our journey (including our most painful passages).
We understand that it is all an expression of divine provenance. We know there is compassion, a rightfulness, a truth behind all our life experiences because they are all connected to the Great Mother. As we align ourselves and feel it within us, we are able to crack through our inhibitive barriers and open out into a liberating level of safety in the world. Within that safety, joy, playfulness and ecstasy are free to arise.
So yes, there is a lot of work to be done here, but with both Chiron and the Black Moon the antidote is inherent in the archetype. By boring down and releasing the toxins within you connect to the sacred goddess within.
All power to you.