A. Firstly, I’m not going to attempt to minimise the strength of the “demons” you’re facing.
On one hand you do have a very difficult chart (Saturn in Scorpio squaring Moon conjunct Pluto, Venus conjunct Uranus square Neptune, Lilith conjunct Chiron conjunct Ascendant, Mars oppositions etc) and there’s no doubt this is tough shit to face. But you also have a gifted chart, not just because of the obvious (Sun/Moon conjunct Jupiter, Saturn conjunct North Node at the top of a kite involving Mercury and Chiron, a Grand trine between Mars, Venus and Saturn) but because of the tough stuff!
And the tough stuff can and should be worked with, not to defeat the demons (an impossibility, you can’t destroy any part of self, however destructive it appears to act) but to transform them; not to block the pain with drugs but to embrace it and pass through it; not to implode your rage but to own it as part of your power... click 'Read More' to continue...
You will particularly need to work with your anger and rage systems, as these are contributing directly to the suicidal feelings. Energy that should have been expressed earlier in your life has imploded and become destructive to yourself. Better to psychodramatically kill someone from your past than harm yourself. And it will take some the viciousness out of the inner critic who wants to fail you.
You are meant to do this work, not only for your own healing. Neptune on the Midheaven says that you are meant to not only live a spiritually connected life but that your spirituality is inherently a part of your true work. Similarly Saturn on the North Node speaks of you as a leader and teacher of the very transformation processes you will be undertaking, because you’ve done the tough stuff! In fact it’s a huge part of why you took birth this time around. Go for it. Even making the commitment internally will shift how you feel.
Good luck and God/dess Bless.